I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
