y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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