i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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