Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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