I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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