i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
