i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
