the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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