I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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