3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
