She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
