My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
