then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
