I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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