:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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