drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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