Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Is it because I queefed?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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