I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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