dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
