I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
