i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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