i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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