I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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