You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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