life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
