I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
