you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
