Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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