i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
