i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
