i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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