i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
jump out the window naked night went bad
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