So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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