i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
