Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
