someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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