awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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