I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
