So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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