Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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