I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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