i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
