you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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