if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
