Your mouth is God's brothel.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
