Soap is not a condiment
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Randomize
