Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
