Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
