somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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