i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high