someone get that fucking seahorse.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE