OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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