It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
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