Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
